i found a christian retelling of the first harry potter book and it claims that birthdays are unholy and are made up
some highlights
- Ron is a Slytherin
- Draco is a Ravenclaw AND a mysogonist
- Snape isn’t a cunt and is really nice and caring towards Harry
- Angels have replaced owls
- Dean Thomas is a main character for no reason
- Dumbledore isn’t gay and is married to a woman and is ALSO Hermionies dad
- It doesn’t take place in the UK for some reason
- Wizard duels are now called pray-offs
I’ll add more when i read more
more
- Harry converts Draco into being a Gryffindor (who are depicted as pitch perfect Christians who follow the bible closely and only take orders from God)
- Eco friendly-ness is bad apparently
- Voldemort has hair
- Believing in evolution is apparently Satanic
- Voldemort wanted to make Christianity ILLEGAL
- Voldemort ALSO has a Reddit account
- Dumbledore calls Reddit a “godless coven”
- THEY LITERALLY TRY AND CONVERT VOLDEMORT INTO BEING A CHRISTIAN
- Harry says that Voldemort has been tricked by the lies of society and that he deserves to burn in hell
- ““I’m just so upset that you don’t accept the Bible,” Hermionie sobbed femininely. “The Bible is the best book ever. Why can’t you respect that?”“
- Voldemort is described as a fornicating, drug-addicted evolutionist (Actually, this is what the author says that all Evolutionists are like this)
I can’t believe i found a fic to rival My Immortal
This is some anti My Immortal shit
how does one sob femininely?
PLEASE SOMEONE SEND ME A NAME OR A LINK TO THIS
I love you thank you
Dumbledore is married to McGonagall.
There are several paragraphs describing beloved fictional characters’ chest hair.
Slytherins are Catholics.
Petunia wears pant suits.
“Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry’s young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, “Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays. “
Reblog if you don’t need religion because you have science socialism and birthdays