asajjventress:

maybe you express love by yelling “fight me!” with tears streaming down your face. maybe you need to work out your repressed trauma, or maybe you just want some exercise. Whichever it is, here’s everything you need to know to decide which pillar of galactic evil to bloody your knuckles on!

Darth Vader

Do it. Fight Darth Vader. You’ll never win, and that’s the goal. from the cradle to the coffin, every one of us knows who he is and what he’s capable of, and yearns to erotically asphyxiated by the one true goth of all time. Fight him, and gasp your final breath to the thrilling thunder of the imperial march

end fight probability: 300% you die highly aroused and emotionally fulfilled

Palpatine

Not a good idea at all. If you must scratch the vengeance itch, dew it, but he’s slippery for such a crusty dude and dreadfully powerful. Watch out for those sharp, germy fingers.

end fight probability: 80% he fries you to a crisp, 20% you win but later die of infected wounds

Darth Maul

Don’t even fucking try. This bugger can survive literally anything. Give up.

end fight probability: 200% even if you shoot him into the fucking sun, he survives it

General Grievous

Why would you fight my old boy Grievous? he’s just trying to do his job and he’s so tired. Look at the bags under his eyes. And he has asthma. if you decide to be a heartless beast and fight him anyway, you will lose, because he has four arms and he’s 7 feet tall. Just buy him a drink and leave him alone.

end fight probability: 100% he cuts you into sashimi, but you deserve it for picking a fight with Johnny-four-lightsabers

Count Dooku

I can’t imagine feeling anything about him strongly enough to warrant a fight, but if that’s your thing, go ahead I guess. Put out his creepy eyes first.

end fight probability: 60% you win because he’s old, but sustain injuries

Kylo Ren

Please, fight him. Beat his ass. if you can dodge the saber and hold off laughing long enough to get a grip on his hair, he’ll trip over his own garments trying to shake you off and fall on his own blades. finish it up by crushing his windpipe so we never have to suffer his insufferable voice ever again. Good luck and godspeed.

end fight probability: 82% you rip his face off (100% I need counseling)

Snoke

Don’t fight this crusty boy until we know more about his stats. but if you decide to anyway, he has serious claws – you better protect your neck against a Gollum-style strangling. he’s survived this far, he can probably survive a lot more. if you can take him seriously long enough to attack.

end fight probability: 75% he bludgeons you with a frozen rat (his supper) while screaming “for the last goddamn time I am NOT darth plageius”

Tarkin

Definitely fight him, take out all your inner rage on the poster boy for creepy old white men who ruin everything. The main thing is to watch out for those cheekbones, which can probably split wood and definitely slice your hand off. Don’t be distracted by his foul stench either. The good news is that he’s old and frail and the only exercise he’s ever had is furiously jacking it to imperialist propaganda.

end fight probability: 90% you kill him, 64% the spores released by his disintegrating corpse give you a debilitating lung disease

Krennic

Fight him, but be careful about it, he’s famously prone to violent confrontation and not afraid to start swinging. Target his major weakness: the aesthetic. if you can stand on his cape you can probably immobilize him.

end fight probability: 80% you win with minor injuries

Hux

this guy is literally everything wrong with the world today –  fascism, gingers, men who won’t shut up. Fight him and kill him for all of us. It’ll be easy, he looks to be made of damp bread & library paste. Go for it. Wring his neck

end fight probability: 99% you break every bone in his pathetic body

Phasma

This is a tricky one. if you’re a wookiee, go ahead, you may able to win. If you’re human, you will be slammed to the ground before you knew what hit you, with a blaster barrel in your mouth. But if you’re a lesbian that was probably the goal all along.

end fight probability: 110% she breaks every bone in your pathetic body

Thrawn

Deep down, we all want to either fight him or fuck him, so do it. Fight him. Grab him by that gigantic forehead and smash him through a wall, which was part of his master plan all along, of course. He’ll bust out those thick blue biceps and either the brawl will continue or you’ll end up making passionate love on the floor.

end fight probability: whatever happened, it was artistically done